Matthew Stevens' TextStream  from a G1

Husband comes home from work finds his wife blow drying her snatch. Husband asks her what she doing? She says im warming up your dinner!

Three dogs walk into a bar. A Doberman, Labrador, and a Chihuahua. They sit down, and start pounding back some drinks. The bartenders daughter walks by and they start talking about how bad they want to bang her. The bartender over hears their conversation, and tells them that if they can use the words Liver and Cheese in a sentence, they can have her for the night. The doberman says "I love liver and cheese"... The labrador says "Liver and Cheese makes me sick"... The chihuahua says "Liver lone Cheese mine" !!! LOL

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lickaliottapuss

One day 3 boys were walking and they saw president obama drowning in a river. The 3 boys worked together to save obama'a life. After saving him obama says, "i'll give each of you 1 choice of anything you want." The 1st boy asked if he could have his own boxing ring and obama says, "consider it done i'll even have roy jones jr to train you on how 2 box." The 2nd boy ask if he could have his own pool and obama says, "consider it done I'll even have micheal phelps 2 come and teach how 2 swim." The 3rd boy ask if he could have a wheelchair. Obama says "why would you want a wheelchair, you're not handicapped or anything". The boy says "I'm not now but when I tell my dad I rescued you I will be"

One day a child was asked to learn his abc's in school along with 20 other kids. He went home at the end of the day and practiced his abc. When he went back to school he was the first to be asked to say their abc. The boy said Abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvwxy and z The teacher said to him you forgot your p The p is tricklingh down myy legs he said

IM SO PISSED! I lost 3 hoes today, 1 at the strip club, 1 on the corner, and WHERE THE FUCK U AT!

This guy goes up to this chick to introduce himself and ask her out. As soon as he opens his mouth to say anything she quickly shoots him down. Puzzled, he asks her why she said no to which she replied,"Its because your breath stinks." The guy noticed that there have been many women who turned him down for the same reason so he tries to find a solution. The next day he goes to the dentist and tells him what happened, so the dentist does some tests and looking around and realized what the problem was. So the dentist said "well there are two things you can do, you could stop biting your nails or stop scratching your ass

While working a rode block a state trooper notices a car with a large suitcase in the back seat, so the state trooper pulls him over to the side of the rode and ask the man what's in the suitcase. The mans says it swords, the state trooper ask the man what do u do with those, the man replies I'm in the circus and I juggle swords. The state trooper says do u mind showing me, the mans says not at all. So he gets out the car and grabs the swords and starts to juggle on the side of the rode. Another couple looks on and the man turns to his wife and says look honey the new drunk driving test

So this guys @ the bar and he's crying his heart out and asking for drink after drink. This goes on for hours till the bartender says to the guy what's wrong with u? The guys says he doesn't wanna talk about it, the bartender says your girlfriend left u the guy says no, the bartender says u got fired the guy says no, the bartender says u got kicked out your apartment the guys says no. The bartender says then what's wrong with u, the guy says I got drunk and blew chunks. The bartender says that's nothing to cry about everybody throws up when they get drunk, the guys says u don't understand my dogs name is chunks!!!

How do u get a black man to wear a condom? Ez just put a nike sign on it

Why do mexicans only make tamales for chrismas? Because that's the only thing they have to unwrap

I guy ask a girl " have u ever had magic sex" the girl says "how do u do that" the guys "we fuck then you disappear"tahdah fucking bitch

I hate weddings because old people always poke you and say, "Your next." So I started doing the same shit to them at funerals!

After careful consideration I decided to renew your friendship contract for 2009. I kinda like your crazy ass! So don't fuck this up!

Blonde reads a headline : Brazilian Killed in Plane Crash . she says "thats so sad . . . . how many people is a brazillion?"

I'm sorry I keep bothering you. My phone is voice activated and everytime it hears ho ho ho it dials your number...my bad. Happy holidays!

A condom tells a tampon, "You always take my job for a week." The tampon says, "Yeah but when you fuck up, I loose my job for 9 months!"

A Hooker asked her Doctor why wont my hair grow on my coochie? The doctor replies bitch have u ever seen grass grow on a busy street!

Please Pray 4 me. I had a checkup 2day. I tested positive 4 sexy. Im allergic 2 bullshit. My blood type is pimpin, & the Dr. says this is why i'm hot!

Obama told Fox News there arent enough black Americans onTV. Fox has agreed to run Americas Most Wanted 5 nights a week!

Humpty Dumpty Sat On The Bed, Lil Bo Peep Was Givin Him Head. As Soon As He Came She Started 2 Weep, she knew right then he was fuckin her sheep!